I kept asking everyone at the bar to be in my mafia on facebook.

Having sex in the snow is bad for your dignity, all it wanted to do was hide cuz it was so cold.

So I got a text saying "hey pretty baby with the high heels on you got me feelin like you never ever knoooow" I replied "Hey there stranger" She replied with "i'm the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen" WTF is she talking about?! We're both girls. I'm straight. She's my best friend...I never knew this about her...

me:how was i last night? tiff:ummmm what?

My mom thought I had a computer virus because my homepage was a porn site. We'll let her think that.

You know when "this is not a booty call" is the next thing out of her mouth after inviting you over. You're going to get lucky.

I guess last night I let her cat out the front door. We found it frozen to the porch this morning. Cancel our bar hopping tonight.

you were great last night, sent that to my dad

a master key can unlock any door but a lock that can be opened by any lock is a whore

I cleaned out my car and found a 12 pack from the start of last semester. Never drink beer that's been in your car for more than 4 months.