Man, I'm bored enough to chew on a doggie rawhide stick. It tastes like bland beef jerky.

ok so i was texting back and forth dirty text i accidently sent one to my mother that said"your asshole is so tight i cant wait to play with it again " she called me and told me i was putting it the wrong hole !!

I just pooped out a hot pepper I swallowed whole yesterday. My ass burns now, I think I\'m done with Thai food.

If drinking was a job, I'd already have 10 hours of overtime this week.

folded a five dollar bill into an airplane and have been playing catch with a guy on the other side of the stage. think the stripper's gonna puke if she spins again.

Is it bad when bars around my house will cash my paycheck for me?

I knew she was gonna kick me in the nuts so I put a brick down my pants... but it turned out when she kicked me it hurt like Hell and the brick fell down my leg and smashed my toe!

I consider it a success when I wake up in a different state then where I partied last night!

I just got alcohol in my stocking, I have a new respect for my family.

Why did you show up to the party carrying a duck and yelling "party fowl?"