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Why do they call them blue balls? They look purple to me.

Are there holes in your carpet this morning?because my knees are burned down to the bone!

Me: Why were you looking at cheerleaders photos today when I walked in the room?  Him: Because I think they're hot.  Me: What? I'm not good enough for you?  Him: You're good enough for me.  I just want to add in some cheerleaders to the mix.  Me: We're through.  Keepa knockin' but ya can't get in.

Her: Will you take me to a corn maze in Ohio this Saturday?   Me: What the hell is a corn maze?  her: Nevermind.

"I know you are haha it's just that the condom came off half way down his p. And his p was near my v fooling around. Fuck I sound like Dan and Vanessa on Gossip Girl."

"Yo i gots oj ands cirroguts. get cho blackass over chyea!" me (lame) im done, goin to bed.... "Alriiiight. night bitch facd.d" LMAFO to sleep

My phone has butter all over it because the dumb arse chef at the Hibachi grill said, "Watch while I make butter fly." and then he threw butter at me. Then he said, "Get it? Butter Fly? Butterfly?"