Are there any other 17 year olds that still have to do laundry for their old man who ALWAYS has a big chocolate streak in his tighty whities??? Why Me??

I was so drunk I peed in the ice trays. They're gonna be so pissed tomorrow morning.

So there I am sitting there watching the movie and my jackass brother-in-law, who has already seen it, texts me from four rows back and tells me how it ends! Jerk!

I can't tell whether it's good or bad that my 100 pounds grandma outdrank me last night.

Dude, I just hit a deer. It literally blew the deer in half! The head and legs went one way, then there were about 100 feet of intestines and then the back legs and ass were the other way!

always remember as the season of goodwill appoaches some one special is out there thinking of and appreciats you for the imppact u made on there life-... its not me though I think your an asshole!!

kyle: i love the little things that make me smile! Ally: you mean like you penis?

I just got tossed out my exam room because i dropped my pencil, the invigilator stepped on my hand and I called her a fat whore.

I bought her pants a size too small on purpose. Cheaper and more subtle than a gym membership.

I got high and stuck my head in the aquarium to see how long I could hold my breath without coming up for air.