I woke up and my iphone was in the toilet and the leftover Hooters wings were gnawed on by a mouse.

This was the first week I "outdrove" Tiger!

From my dumbass GF: How do you get to the airport in Nashville, Kentucky?

My girlfriend texted me and said, "Can you last another hour before your birthday B.J.?" I texted back "Nah!" and the spell checker changed it to NAG! She was so pissed it almost costed me the B.J.

Question, Anyone  ever text the OTHER GIRL,  and find out you text you girlfriend instead. I am very lonely now.

So  was drunk last night I texed my girlfriend all the things I was going to do with her, now I have no girlfriend

Doing my part to save water, every time I get drunk I pee in the closet.

I was drunk in the passenger seat of my truck, a Girl pulled up I threw up out the window looked at her and told her I was thinking of her

Is it bad when a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, And I don't remember a thing.

I'm thinking of getting married now. Apparently, you can get little people for your wedding.