Jill really really really hurt my feelings when she asked to stand under my nose to get out of the rain. The was some B.S., man.

I sneezed all over my phone and now the #5 button doesn't work.

I finally made my move and went in for a French Kiss... I came out with a chunk of what tasted like a Barbequed Frito! WTF???

Which is worse: Walking in on my Mom and Dad doing the Grown Up? Or them not stopping once they saw me?

I'm going to pretend like we didn't tailgate waiting for a meteor shower that never even appeared.

I just farted and it stinks so bad I bet you can smell it through the phone.

I believe i am an Elf Man...That is all.

Would u be happier if I blew off Mom, let u chill, and went to "dancers" (strip club) for a bit? Be honest....

Whoever got my 3 year old Moon Sand for her birthday needs a beatin'.

First message: "I really got my ass hammered in the cornhole" message 2: sorry I accidentally hit send before I put "tournament last night"